Where Have I Been?

Where Have I Been?

 

Where have I been? 

 

Listen to audio

 

 

I was tired.

 

Beyond tired.

Flat on my face, rock-bottom-crying, too depressed and anxious-about-everything tired. 

 

***

My time in America was a constant battle to keep this Caribbean woman together - to be perfect in everything I did. Yet, beneath the surface, I was silently crying out for help, struggling with the weight of my own expectations and the pressure to please everyone around me. 

 

I ran my business with so much pain in my body. But it was the only good thing I had—the only thing that made me feel worthy, the thing I couldn't fail at. It kept me from sinking—after all, the things outside of me were more important than me.  

 

 ***

There's a line that I often repeat: Happiness is the choice you make. I believe Iyanla Vanzant said it, but don't quote me on that.

I wasn't happy with who I was anymore. My thoughts made me so tired; my nervous system was dysregulated. Anxiety was at a constant high, and I wasn't clear about who I was.  

 

So, one day, I made a decision.

 

***

Therapy

They need to tell you about therapy: You may have to go through quite a few therapists to find yours.

I'd gone to a few in the early 2000s, and each session left me unheard. There were no clear treatment plans with the therapists I saw, and after several tries, I put therapy to the side. 

In 2018, I decided to try again.

I was determined to find mine. 

Then, finally, I found one.

 

She listened to me. She validated me. She pushed me and supported me. 

I needed it, you know?  

Through my journey, I discovered that my obsession with perfection was rooted in people-pleasing-a learned behavior from my childhood, something that wasn't my fault. But I also learned that I am deserving of all the good things life has to offer, and that I don't have to have it all together. This realization was a turning point, a beacon of hope in my journey of self-discovery and self-compassion. 

 

My part was doing the work. The type of work that would crack my soul wide open. Doing the work required me to wade through the muck of my past and to make friends with my fears. 

This self-work is not easy. I repeat. 

This self-work is not easy.

Yes, this self-work is challenging. It's not a walk in the park, and it's not for the faint of heart. But it's necessary, to get to the other side. It's necessary, to live the life you so desire. And trust me, it's worth it. The benefits of self-work are immeasurable, and your life will be transformed in ways you can't even imagine. 

And my life depended on it.

 

***

My healing journey was not just for me, but for the generations past and the future. I was healing for my family, being an inspiration for them.  I was healing from the inside out, learning to love myself properly. 

 

Here are a few of the gems I've learned and worked through: 

 

  1. Happiness is the choice you make: you are one decision away from the life you want to live. Listen, I know how scary it can be, but you deserve to live a life you are proud of. One where you can look back and say I'm so proud I did the work. So change, my dear, requires you to make a choice. 
  2. You are not your mistakes: This was another difficult one for me. Every mistake I made was another reason to feel bad about myself. I learned the art of making myself feel inadequate and not my own mistakes and subsequently told myself that I was a bad person. Separating the two was necessary for my growth. I'm a human being who makes mistakes occasionally, and that's okay - I am also not a mistake. I no longer doggy paddle in the tears of my mistakes. Which leads me to number 3. 
  3. Give yourself compassion and grace: Be gentle with yourself, darling. We can't get everything perfect, and I don't think we need to. Give yourself grace for all your regrets. Soothe yourself with compassion. You're human and growing. 
  4. Release the need to be liked: I wanted badly to belong. I was the queen of people-pleasing. Everything was "no problem" and "Sure." This kept me stuck, resentful, and tired. You may also feel lost - not knowing who you indeed are. This is when you get clear about who you are and welcome the true you to be revealed! Different healing modalities can assist in this. The need to be liked also comes from not feeling safe in childhood. Acts like havening, talk therapy, and affirming self (to name a few) can help you feel safe in your body.

 

The time has come to stop abandoning and betraying yourself for others. It's time to wash your body from head to toe with compassion, sit in the present moment and feel the air around you, do something new, and bet on yourself! You'll never go wrong. 

  

  • So, where have I been? I've been crying, laughing, sleeping, dancing, watering my plants, soothing bodily pains, attending many doctor visits, eating and not eating, screaming, praying, meditating, havening, doing fantastic breath work, and more. I've been doing the work in the background for my healing. It's been difficult but so worth it. I'm finally loving myself by giving myself the rest, support, and care I deserve—first and foremost. 

 

Thank you for accompanying me on this journey. Remember, you are worthy of deep healing and goodness. Prioritize your self-care and self-discovery. It's a journey worth taking. 

I am sending you light energy today. 

 

Vee 

 

p.s. Yes, I'll be back to work to make your beloved bars.  Also, expect some changes to the brand...

Good changesHolistic changes.

  

Comment

  • Thank you for sharing your journey. I too am on my healing journey. It has been painful but also empowering. I don’t feel alone. Welcome back.

    Melissa on

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